How to reply to scam emails

An article by Elahn    3 Comments

Scam emails are all the fashion these days. Most of them claim to be from an African girl who was left some millions of dollars from her recently deceased aunt or uncle who died brutally at the hands of the local militia and would like your assistance in getting the money out of her war torn country. You! Yes, you! You have been chosen amongst millions of people. Why you? Why not? After all, you don’t know this person at all and have never talked on the phone, let alone sent naughty text messages to each other late at night.

I recently received the following email and couldn’t help but have some fun with it… what we in the industry call Scam Baiting. That is, dragging the scammer in to a long, drawn out exchange of emails and other such trivialities all for the sake of wasting their time and allowing you to have some fun along the way.

Here is the original email -

Dearest

I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart. My name is Atem Deng Ajak , 24yrs old, female and I held from South Sudan. My father Lt. Gen. Deng Ajak Atak was the former SPLA military hero and anti-genoicde/anti-slavery activist of South Sudan for Decentralization. My father Lt. Gen. Deng Ajak Atak  and my mother including other top Military officers and top Government officials had been on board when the plane crashed on Friday May 02, 2008. You can read more about the crash and my late father through the below site http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7380412.stm andhttp://doorofkush.50megs.com/about_1.html

After the burial of my father, my uncle conspired and sold my father’s properties to one Chinease Expatriate and live nothing for me. One faithful morning, I opened my father’s briefcase and found out the documents which he have deposited huge amount of money in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin. I traveled to Burkina Faso to withdraw the money so that I can start a better life and take care of myself. On my arrival, the Branch manager of the Bank whom I met in person told me that my father’s instruction to the bank was the money be release to me only when I am married or present a trustee who will help me and invest the money overseas. I am in search of an honest and reliable person who will help me and stand as my trustee so that I will present him to the Bank for transfer of the money to his bank account overseas. I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust. But rather take me as your own sister. Though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without knowing you, well, I will say that my mind convinced me that you may be the true person to help me. More so, I will like to disclose much to you if you can help me to relocate to your country because my uncle have threaten to assassinate me.

The amount is $8.5Million and I have confirmed from the bank in Burkina Faso. You will also help me to place the money in a more profitable business venture in your Country.However, you will help by recommending a nice University in your country so that I can complete my studies. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my capital in your establishment. As soon as I receive your interest in helping me, I will put things into action immediately. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely.

Please do keep this only to your self. I beg you not to disclose it till I come over because I am affraid of my weaked uncle who has threatened to kill me.

Sincerely yours,

Atem Deng.

Here is my reply -

Dear Atem,

My eyes have filled with tears reading your email of sorrow. I have never thought such grief could come to my fellow earthlings. I hug and kiss you.

When I told my partner Gary of your plight he had to take the strap-on sexual device out of my anus to contemplate my words to him. The ball-gag muffled his speech but I could still understand what he was saying. A 14 year relationship based on trust, respect and waxed bodies does that.

But I digress.

You poor thing. What a terrible existence you have. I once visited an African leper colony while doing a round of gun running for the Nigerian rebels of Titty Pooh. While it was a welcome change of scenery from the hitherto heterosexual world of illegal operations pushing weapons across borders without a tasty backside in sight (except for little Waki, or Susan as I liked to call him, my Sherpa extraordinaire).

At the colony, while I was hiding from my angry team of killer rebels who didn’t like being complimented on their calf muscles, I saw such hideous examples of human beings I wept for a week, snug in the arms of Susan, my only comfort from the cruel world.

After leaving the colony and getting a safe passage with a camel herder, his 4 wives and 12 daughters, I accidentally blew my legs off while stepping on a land mine as we crossed the heavily guarded border to the north.

6 weeks in an awful hospital and doped up to the fucking eyeballs on morphine and a mixture of camel spit and fermented dog turd I was put on a US navel helicopter for the safer shores of Spain.

Oh dear… I do waffle! Here I am telling you about my problems and I’ve totally forgotten about you, dear Atem.

Is it ok if I call you Hillary? My great grandmother was named Hillary. She was a wonder with a spatula, some eggs, brown sugar and a chem lab full of speed. We would stay up all night mixing the speed mixture, testing it out on her rabbits, telling stories of her life and when she would offer her virgina for money during the internet crash of ’99. Some nights she would ask me to rub her bunions. Oh how I loved getting out the file and scraping off the dead skin on her feet.

Dear Hillary (that’s you), what is it I can do for you? Please tell me. Oh, can you send me a photo of you so I can put it on my bedside table and when I pray to our lord Tom Cruise I can ask for him and Madonna to watch over you and perhaps try a charity drive to raise money for your cause.

Do you play a musical instrument? I don’t, but I wish I knew the banjo. Love that twang twang sound it makes. I’d love for you to send me some music of you singing and playing your local instrument. Drums I’m guessing…maybe just shrieking out loud at passing cows.

Keep safe and warm and write to me.

Baruch Hashem.

Elahn.

After waiting a few days and thinking I’d never hear back from her, here is the email she sent me -

My Dear Elahn,

Many thanks for your quick response. I need your help to stand as my trustee for transferring the money to your bank acount for investment project.  As I told you in my earlier mail, I am staying in the mission and I haven’t a personal telephone to be reached but if you wish to hear my sweet voice, you can reach me through the office telephone number of the Mission co-ordinator office. His name is Father Silas and his office telephone number is +22678665273. If you call tell him that you want to speak with Atem Deng Ajak Atak am staying in Block 17C female hostel.

The reason while I ask you to contact the bank as my trustee is because I have contacted the bank on my arrival to clear the money but the branch manager of the bank whom I met in person told me that my status as a refugee does not authorize me to transfer the money. He advised me to seek for some one who will represent me and transfer the money into his or her bank account. I wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but am afriad that she will not release the money to me after clearing the money because after the death of my parent she and my uncle arrange seceretly and sold my father’s estate in Monaco. They shared the money among themselves and when I confronted them my uncle told me that the tradition and custom of our land does not entitle me to share assets of my father as a single young girl. Ever then they have been maltreating me and even made arrangement to assassinate me because of the demand for my share of the money from the sales of the hotel.I want you to help me because you are God sent and you will never regret for helping me.

Please send me your full contact information which include:

Your full name:
Contact address:
Telephone numbers to be reached:
Your age:
Your Occupation:
Marital Status:
Your Nationality
Your photos to see you:

As soon as I receive the above information,  I will give you the contact of the bank were my father deposited the money. And you will contact the bank as my trustee and ask them to transfer the money into your bank accountfor investment project. After you receive the money in your bank account you will send some amount to me to process my traveling documents which I will use to come and settle in your country and further my academic studies.

Thanks a lot in anticipation of your quick reply.  Below are my detail and photos.

Yours truly,
Atem .

My full name: Atem Deng Ajak Atak
Contact address: Female Block C17, Bethel Mission, 09 BP 5251101 Ouahigouya 09, Burkina Faso.
Telephone numbers to be reached: (+226) 78665273 It is the mission ofiice telephone incase if you call tell tell Father Silas you want to speak with me.
My age: 24
Occupation: Student
Marital Status: Single
My Nationality: Sudanese

Wow! She’s hot! How can I let this babe down? After all, she’s a sexy mother who knows how to wear a denim skirt!

Not one to give up I sent another email -

Ah Shalom Atem,
What a surprise when this morning I saw an email from you! And photos!! My jaw dropped to the floor. You are a very beautiful and sexy lady. I have printing the photos and put them into some very lovely frames. See the one I’ve attached to this email. It is a good photo. Did your daddy take it of you? You pose very well. You should do some modeling. Although you may need to go on a diet first. No one likes a chubby on the catwalk.

I have a bad headache this morning. May have been the Amyl Nitrate I was sniffing during last night’s orgy and vomit session. I’m new to it all but I’m assured after a few more times I’ll be able to handle the erotic piss and crap on my face while I orgasm. We are very open and free loving here in my native village in Alaska.
Ever since my family of Inuits (Eskimo in the old language) got relocated from our primitive ice huts on the tundra where we hunted seals and lost tourist hikers and moved to the camping section of the city WalMart we’ve experienced great joy as well as sorrow. The government pays us all unemployment benefits, which is just enough for basic food (aisle 4), some new season clothing (aisle 7), and the ocassional treat (dog food aisle 12).
When can you come visit me? My son Whodeani would love to meet you. He saw your photo and thinks you could be his girlfriend. He is mentally retarded and drools a lot but he has a big heart and loves to hug and kiss his sister Lindy, getting slobber all over her while she screams with delight.
Could you do me a favour? Could you send me a photo of you holding a sign that reads “I love Whodeani”.
This would mean so much to us here in the camping section. I have spoken to the chief elder about your plight and we are looking at selling some folding chairs and BBQ tools at half price to raise some money to open a bank account so we can help you out.
I’ve also attached a photo of little Whodeani. He is half Eskimo, half Vinyl.

So I wait for your photo and I hope by then the account will be open and we can transfer your funds. My alcoholic step father is very happy to have some extra money come in.

Hugs and kisses… Roger.

Well… Let’s see them respond to that!

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And sure enough they did -

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I am still on the floor crying with laughter!